By Debbie Taylor
Graphic by The Artful Dodger
A new course has been set up for garage car mechanics to ensure that they can identify a transgender customer from a genetically female one.
“This is very important,” said course organiser, Dave Clinton. “You see, when women-women come into your garage, you can start all the teeth sucking, and tutting that your traditional misogynistic car mechanic has employed since they let women own cars. You know that if you start talking about flanges, under-hangs and round tuits, the customer is going to nod her pretty little head and open that purse of hers to pay you loads of lovely crisp cash.” The same is not true of the transgendered however.
“Well, they used to be geezers, didn’t they?” said Clinton. “I don’t hold no prejudices against them wanting to express their inner femininity and all that, not that you’d get me prancing into the pub in a pink tutu mind you. Each to their own, I say. Problem is, some of them look like girls, don’t they? But they’re not. You go sucking your teeth and saying you’ve replaced a tuit, round or not, they’re going to know you’re trying to pull a stroke. You’ve got to be careful with geezers, whether they’re in a dress or not.”
The new course set up by Clinton helps mechanics identify transgendered women by the subtle clues.
“I’m not giving away all the secrets in this interview,” said Clinton. “I want people to come on the course after all. But as an example, they have bigger hands, don’t they? Always a good sign that. Big hands on a girl means they’re either a former bloke or they’re a goalkeeper for a women’s football team.”
Clinton says that the course teaches mechanics all the signs that they have to look out for and then putting them together to successfully identify genetic women who can be overcharged, against transgendered women who will see through the tissue of lies.
“Any woman who knows the difference between hand moisturiser and Swarfega is definitely a tranny,” said Clinton.
Successful students on the Clinton Trans Identification course will come away safe in the knowledge that the bulk of their additional income can continue without ever having to resort to the old standby of charging everybody the same for the same job.
“We’re not going to be able to drive around in a Merc if we start treating people fairly, are we?” asked Clinton. “With my course, we won’t have to.”
A spokesperson for the The Association Of Motor Vehicle Technicians said “We absolutely welcome this new initiative and will be giving it our full support. Now then, does my bum look big in these overalls?”
In my view this skit is a thinly disguised attack on both myself and my noble profession. However I’m prepared to publish it here today on the grounds that it’s funny and doesn’t go on for too long.