Thirty people were killed and many more injured in the city of Toronto yesterday as over a thousand music lovers stampeded, in a frenzied attempt to reach the home of pop icon, Justin Bieber, who had, previously that day, been challenged to have a bucket of concentrated sulphuric acid tipped over his head for charity.
The online challenge was believed to have been issued by long time acting friend, Orlando Bloom, who threw the task open to all comers on a first come, first served basis. As a direct result people rushed from their homes in a desperate bid to douse the star in the highly corrosive agent, resulting in a tragic accident which left tangled bodies lying lifeless in the street and many more writhing in pain with terrible crush-related injuries.
Bieber himself was unavailable for comment last night having reportedly fled the country, but his mother, Dolores, 107, told reporters. “The whole family are deeply upset by all of this. There’s nothing his pa and myself would have liked more than to see the irritating little fuck reduced to a smouldering skeleton. Maybe we’ll be able to get the job done when he comes home next week”
Orlando Bloom issued a brief statement last night “Obviously I’m sorry innocent people were killed but at least they died attempting to do humanity a massive favour”
Clivey Dee. The Times Higher Educational Supplement.