The Siege Of Fort Mugnog: Day One

A milkman with overly long trousers pictured looking a bit shifty in the olden days


8am. Inside Fort Mugnog. Captain Bloop calls his men onto the parade ground.

“Men, we are in a serious situation…”
“I’m not”. Said a voice.
“Who said that!?” Demanded Captain Bloop.
“It was him” Pointed a soldier.
“Stand forward that man”. Shouted the Captain.
A tall cadaverous person, wearing a large cowboy hat steps forward.
“What makes you so different from your fellow soldiers man?” Asked the Captain.
“I’m not a soldier guvnor”.
“Not a soldier? But you are wearing a hat!”.
“Yes I am”.
“Then what are you?”
“The milkman”.
“Yes, the milkman, and you owe me ten bob”.
“Oh, do we? I settle all accounts at the end of the month” Said Bloop.
“You wont be here, from what I’ve heard”.
“What have you heard?” Asked Bloop.
“The Trunkits are going to give you a good hiding”.
“Really? I thought it was an April fools joke”.
“Have you looked over the wall today”.
“No…” Said a slightly concerned Bloop.
“Sir” Said a soldier, what was the parade about then?”
“We’ve run out of Corn flakes man” Answered Bloop.
There was a murmuring in the ranks.
“Stop that!” Shouted Sergeant Major Snuff.
“I’ve got the milk”. offered the milkman.
“Well it’s no bloody good now, is it? We have no cereal” Answered an agitated Snuff.
“Right” Said Captain Bloop; “One of you have a look over the wall”
“Sar!” Shouted the Sergeant Major, and off he went.
After a short while, the Sergeant Major reappeared.
“Well Snuff, what’s the sp?”
“There is farsands of em Sar”.
“Are they armed?” Asked Bloop.
“Yes Sar”.
“Looks like it Sar”.
“Right, man the battlements!” Ordered Bloop.
“What about my fuckin money?!” Shouted the Milkman.
“I will leave it out with the empties tomorrow”. Answered Bloop.
Private Rooms looked over the battlement.
“Ere, they’ve got guns Tom”.
“It must be serious Paul”.
“Do you think they will attack?”
“About now”.
With that, the first mortar fell in the middle of the fort.
“Oo fuckin did that?!” Demanded Seargent Major Snuff.
“It was the enemy Sir”. Replied Private Land.
“Put them on a charge!”
“Charge them with what Sir?”
“A stick of fuckin dynamite!”
Private Land lit a stick of dynamite and threw it over the wall.
A few minutes later, there was a knock on the fort gates.

“Who is it?” Asked Corpral Carp.
“It’s the enemy, we have a complaint”.
“Hold on”. Carp opens the gate.
“Someone threw a stick of dynamite over your wall” said the enemy.
“Are you sure?”. Replied Carp.
“Yes, it landed in the latrine”.
“Did it go off?” Enquired Carp
“Yes, and so did the occupants of the latrine”. Answered the enemy.
“Will they require medical assistance?” Asked Carp
“No, a good laundry and clean underwear”. Replied Enemy.
Meanwhile. Captain Bloop is walking the ramparts checking his troops.
“That soldier, why are you hiding behind Matron?” Enquired Bloop.
“She’s bigger than me Sir”.
“Oh, yes, well, don’t take liberties”.
“I wont”. Answered Matron.
On the other side of the fort, an argument ensued.
“You been slagging my missus off?” Asked Trooper Scooper.
“No” Answered Trooper Cooper.
“You said she had buck teeth!” Shouted Scooper.
“I didn’t” Answered Cooper. “I said she was fucking Goofy”.
“That dirty bastard!” Hollered Scooper. “Wait till I get me hands on him!”.
Outside the fort, the Trunkits were having problems.
“Capteen, der fing, is not workeded” Said Grunt.
“Oh, is it deaded?” Asked Captain Fong.
“Yers, it wented ping!”.
“Shall I fetched him Sird?”
“Engineer Erm”.
“Is he of der deafness?”
“Yers Sird, his hat, fellded over his ears…A lot”.
A small while later, Engineer Erm arrives on the scene.

“Ello, I am here.” Said a bemused Erm.
“Look, is it brokeded?” Asked a concerned Grunt.
“Oooh, yes, it is brokeded”, Answered a concerned Erm.
“Erm, can you fixes it den?” Enquired Captain Fong.
“No” Said Erm.
“Cos I didn’t knowed what is”. Answered Engineer Erm.
“Its der ting dat goes BANG!”. Shouted Grunt.

A barrage of gun fire rains down from the fort.
Mrs Quip drops her husbands dinner.

And so ends, the first day of the siege.

Cannon Loaded by Gary Hoadley
Negligent Discharge by Clivey Dee


Filed under Humor, Humour

5 responses to “The Siege Of Fort Mugnog: Day One

  1. ratty

    Damned stirring stuff, I say.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Individual insanity guaranteed to bring forth merriment to any reader!



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