Clivey & Gaz in “No Comments Please We’re Cockneys”

clivey & Gaz profile

Written by Clivey Dee

Fullstops, commas, elipses and unaceptable smutty behaviour by Gary Hoadley

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“Alright Clivey?”

“Never mind all that son. I’ve decided to mend my objectionable ways and become a fully committed and popular member of the WordPress community”

“You’re joking chief! How you gonna do that then mate?”

“Commenting son”

“Commenting?”

“That’s right bruv. I’m gonna put myself about it a bit and start commenting on every fucker’s blog right left and bastard centre. It won’t matter how piss poor and boring it is. If I see an unattended blog I’m gonna be steaming in with the comments like a good un!”

“But you already do mate! I’ve seen yers. Every bastard blog I ever look at has your League Of Mental Men dabs all over it. Don’t fucking deny it son. I’ve seen it with me own peepers squire!”

“That’s not me son”

“Not you?? Well who the hell is it then?”

“Mike mate”

“Mike? What you mean all those thousands and thousands of comments are down to him and that you’ve never even done one of ’em?”

“Spot on son. You see the thing is with Mike, he’s not a real person Gaz. He’s clockwork. He was made in a toy factory in Spitalfields and I paid a monkey for him from a stall in Roman Road market. “Mike The Commentator” was the name on the box “For All Your WordPress Commenting Needs” I just took the fucker home and set him to work. By the time I woke up next morning he’d made over 20,000 comments and we had 800 more followers on the manor. He’d even made a 3000 word comment on a deep sea diving suit fetishist’s blog! Sweet as a nut or what son?”

“Clockwork?? Who winds ‘im up then mate?”

“His old woman mostly Gaz”

“Shame”

“Yeah shame”

This skit was brought to you courtesy of The Mature Mamas In Deep Sea Diving Boots Confederation

Clivey

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16 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour

16 responses to “Clivey & Gaz in “No Comments Please We’re Cockneys”

  1. alienorajt

    Fucking ace! I do love a bit of righteous scathe on the subject of commenting, either the lamentable lack thereof or the obsequious toadying which passes for intelligent converse in this neck of the literary woods.
    It is nothing to do with any kind of true criticism of literary merit; it is all to do with this endless bloody popularity contest – and makes me want to rip off arms and start beating others to a pulp with the soggy end. If it’s good enough for that nasty little oik, Beowulf, it’s most certainly good enough for me.
    Yours ragingly,
    Grendel’s Mother (Deceased)

    Liked by 2 people

    • And the Clivey & Gaz Award For Exposing Sickening Duplicity And Arse-Licking goes to…
      Beautifully put is all I can say to the above. The tragi-comic thing is, these fools actually believe the plaudits they receive are on the grounds that their output is almost beyond compare. What they completely fail to understand is that their fawning admirers probably dont even read their old toot, they’re just returning the risible compliment.
      In the one-eyed world of the WordPresser, Dunning Kruger Syndrome has them all in it’s vice-like grip…with one or two honorable exceptions of course. Well said!

      Liked by 1 person

      • garyhoadley

        “Easy mate!…Let Mike do his job”.
        “Sorry Gaz…I got carried away.”
        “Did you over wind him?”
        “Shame”
        “Shame”

        Like

    • garyhoadley

      “Clive, she’s only gone an forgot to use the word *Fantastic*”.
      “Give her a warning Gaz, and mark her commenting card”.
      “Right, Alienoraj, I’ve stamped your card, so be warned…”
      “Cruel Gaz…Cruel but fair”.

      Like

  2. Wow, Mike not real, how depressing. I spend the better part of my days exchanging witty banter with that dude, only to find out he’s a machine!! Oh, woe is me! A likely scenario of my friendless life…

    Liked by 2 people

    • garyhoadley

      “There’s another one ere Clivey…Marissa, not used the word *Fantastic*”
      “It’s catching me old china, I need to get them inoculated”.
      “I better start milking the Moose”.
      “Yeah, and give Mike a turn Gaz”.
      “Is he slow again?”
      “It’s the rain”.
      “Shame”
      “Shame”

      Like

  3. ratty

    I am an administrator of a blog that, I am proud to say, has seemingly attracted a readership that would never conceive of stooping so low as to court popularity by leaving a comment.

    It is this utter isolation from feedback, and the blissfull absence of sycophants, that is our yardstick for measuring success. In this light, it would appear that, Whoosh, we are doing phenomenally well and that, in turn, makes the effort of blogging so much more rewarding.

    Please forgive me for having besmirched your good site with an unsolicited comment.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Unsolicited commenting I can just about allow to flow from my back as a duck would allow the odd gush from an effluent pipe. It’s when they start with the fucking “Lolling” that I tend to reach for the electrified bollock crushers.
      Hearty congratulations on your success btw.

      Like

    • garyhoadley

      “I will send Ratty a signed autograph Clive”.
      “Good idea son, keep him in the circle”.
      “What circle?”
      “The one you drew this morning”.
      “That was for the bowling compo”.
      “Shame”.
      “Shame”.

      Liked by 1 person

PLEASE BE GENTLE. WE SATIRISTS CAN DISH IT OUT BUT WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

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