“Anyone fancy a nice bit of bondage? I’ve got all me own gear!”
Good evening. Cliveypops here.
This morning I received a piece of copy from an old satirical sparring partner of mine and have, against my better judgement, decided to publish it on here with a view to further outpourings being submitted in the weeks, months and interminable years ahead.
So without further ado I shall now crave your indulgence as I present a brief and utterly damning pen portrait of the brute known to man and slavering beast alike as…”Churchmouse”
Physiognomy & Anatomy – Churchmouse stands just 13″ high and has a debilitating skin disorder which requires him to wear a specially designed “Plague Suit” at all times. He has 5 teeth and an enormous male appendage of over 6 feet in length. This he wraps around his body a number of times before plugging it into his left ear. Hence his nickname “The Human Petrol Pump”
Dietary Habits – He ekes out a frugal existence by scuttling along bar tops, stealing savoury snacks and drinking the dregs from other people’s pints when they’ve gone to the toilet.
Home Life – He is married with 243 children. His wife, who I have had the pleasure of meeting in a public house in The Strand, West London, is a charming, attractive and thoroughly delightful lady with a pronounced French accent, and, as I have pointed out on many occasions, is far too good for him.
Military Career – He enlisted in the British Army as a 5 star general in 1888, on Inchcock’s birthday, and quickly rose through the ranks before being dishonourably discharged in 1914 with the rank of private 2nd class. He served with distinction at Waterloo, Agincourt and The Battle Of Rourke’s drift where he was decorated with The Victoria Cross for singing heartily in Welsh, petty larceny, aggravated sodomy and for squirting Deep Heat cream up the Regimental Sergeant Major’s arse while he slept. He was also mentioned in dispatches for making 16 female Zulu warriors pregnant as they tried to hack through the burning roof of the military hospital with Assegais.
Biblography – He is a published satirist, having appeared in the infamous Dorking Review, now of blessed memory, along with two more of your very own LOMM favourites, Inchy and Gaz. I’m in The Dorking Review II incidentally, which will obviously be far superior when it’s published some time in 2134, or as soon as we get an illustrator, whichever’s soonest. He has also shared a satirical organ (steady in the ranks ladies) with myself and the other two aforementioned gentlemen, but was sacked without back pay for drunkeness, slovenly evening wear, troilism and for hanging onto the sports editor’s leg whenever he wanted to go to the toilet. He has also aided and abetted me in writing the “Comrades” skits in the once mighty Soz Satire magazine but I had to let him go after he started stealing the beetroot vodka and spooning all the lumpy, nourishing bits from Gary Hoadley’s gruel bowl.
So there you have it my friends. I shall publish his maiden submission (steady in the ranks once more please ladies) as soon as I’ve lovingly edited it and given it a thoroughly good rinse under the tap. I bet you can’t wait can you? I know I can! 😦