A member of the Scotland team pictured doing a few stretching exercises prior to a training session last night.
Members of The Scottish Nationalists Party have announced plans to stage a Commonwealth Games style tournament which will represent the true spirit of the people of Scotland and their propensity towards heavy drinking should the nation vote for an Independent Scotland in the forthcoming referendum.
A preliminary itinerary of events has been agreed upon, and according to sources within the party, they will include:
The 100 metres stagger. The blue riband event of the games in which 6 crack winos swill down 5 bottles of Thunderbird each before reeling along the white lines in the middle of a busy high street.
The 3000m Running Away From The Poliss Steeplechase – The most gruelling event of the entire games in which only the most dedicated and drink-ravaged of athletes will emerge victorious. Each man has to throw a brick through an off-licence window, grab two bottles of Glenfidich and then take off through a number of back gardens, hurdling the fences, with the police in hot pursuit. Last year’s winner, Jimmy Campbell, from Marytown, Glasgow, was feted by being given the freedom of the city and 2 years in Barlinnie maximum security prison.
200m Dog On A Bit Of String Dash – In this fast-paced bid for glory the 6 inebriated stumblebums that make the final will have to race down the high street, carrying their dog on a bit of string under one arm, until they reach the piece of wasteground at the finish. Here they will be allowed to sit round a burning sofa drinking cans of Tennants Super until the medal ceremony begins
Putting The Battered Wife In The Infirmary – A real test of strength and endurance as contestants are pushed to the very limit as they try to hospitalise their spouses without resorting to firearms or cut-throat razors. This thrilling event will be held on Saturday evening after closing time.
Projectile Vomiting High Hurdles – Another endurance event in which each drink-addled wreck will be required to take on board 5 litres of shoe re-conditioner before attempting to crawl under 15 hurdles while vomiting profusely. The winner will be adjudged by the amount of sick collected in his beard before he finally loses conciousness.
3000m Broken Pram Pushing – A tough middle distance discipline in which competitors stumble through the city at night pushing a pram with all their possessions in it. Last years winner, Hamish McBride, was disqualified after it was found that his pram had been artificially lightened by having no transistor radio with the back off in it.
The 4 x 40% Proof All-In Self-Fighting Championship – A gruelling finale to the games in which 24 top notch cirrhosis of the liver sufferers will enter a specially constructed public library and have frenzied fights with themselves after downing 4 bottles of high octane grog. Fancied athletes will be handicapped by having to wear an ill-fitting, fetid pair of trousers, held up with a bit of string and a pair of piss-soaked boots with no laces in.
Closing Ceremony – The victorious athletes will lean heavily on each other while muttering “Flower Of Scotland” before settling down for the night round the back of the grandstand with newspapers pushed down the back of their shitted-up trousers.
We managed to get a word with Games organiser, Willy Dalglish, last night who told us “Are ye starin’at mah pint wee man? Git tae fuck afore ah stick the heed on ye. Ye fuckin’ bashta ye!”