Clivey & Gaz in “Culture Vultures!”

clivey & Gaz profile
The Tate Gallery. Written by Gary Hoadley And Erotically Edited by Clivey Dee

“Ullo Gazza, what do you see, what do you know?”
“Sit down Clivey, have a butchers at that”.
“Oh, yeah, it’s Mondrian, nice painting”.
“What’s it called then?”
“Composition with yellow, blue and red”.
“What about the black lines?”
“He didn’t have enough room on the bottom of the canvas to write black”.
“Why didn’t he write it on the back?”
“He didn’t want to get his brush dirty I suppose”.

Clive and Gary move to another room in the Tate.

“What the hell is that Clivey?”
“That is a Matisse Gaz”.
“A French mattress!”
“No you pranit, the artist Matisse. It’s called “The Snail”.
“What part of it?”
“What part of what”.
“What part of that painting is a snail then?”
“All of it”.
“Hold on a minute squire…”
“Why you walking backwards Gaz?”
“I’m giving me minces a chance to focus”.
“Yeah, cos I can’t see a snail”.
“It’s modernism Gaz”.
“If it’s that modern, why don’t he know what a snail looks like?”
“He didn’t have a garden did he”.

After spending a few more minutes looking for the snail, they move on and stop in front of a painting of two nudes

“They look like a couple of nice birds Clivey”.
“Yeah, a geezer called Sigmar Polke painted ’em”.
“Bet they had a job standing still in that position”.
“He must have given them something to lean on, then painted it out Gaz”.
“Clever, very clever”.
“It’s called, “Girlfriends”.
“What, he had two of ’em?”
“Yeah the dirty sod”.
“Dirty sod”.
“Nice painting though”.
“How come you know so much about these paintings Clivey?”
“I broke down outside here the other day and I dived in for a quick butcher’s while I was waiting for the tow truck mate.

A short silence ensues

“Hold up son! I thought you were a mechanic!”

“I am mate, It was me afternoon off”



The End

Arse Gratia Arseoles



Filed under Humor, Humour

18 responses to “Clivey & Gaz in “Culture Vultures!”

  1. sozsatire


    Liked by 2 people

    • garyhoadley

      A superb bit of editing by mate by Mr Clivey Dee. I was hoping he would include a paragraph on quantum physics. Never mind, he must of been busy making a Moose pie for the weekend…

      Liked by 1 person

      • sozsatire

        Fancy coming down the Npower offices for a game of baseball with the CEO’s head mate?
        Where’s Danny Sparko when you need him eh?
        Keep em coming me old china plate x

        Liked by 1 person

      • garyhoadley

        Will do mate, Have you managed to milk that Octopus only I’m running out of ink…


  2. Brilliant stuff! Believable to! Cheers all.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Unfortunately, I’m with Gaz. I look at modern art and never know what the hell it is I’m actually supposed to be seeing!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I notice more and more that Gary and Clivey play together nicely and they ignore Inchy and Mikey. Be nice, boys. Let the other young’uns play with you. 😉

    Liked by 1 person


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