No not selfies featuring Gaz and Mike but a blog post from an old mate of mine and fellow satirist, Gerald “Inchcock” Chambers. We used to work together on a spoof newspaper back in the day until we were both fired by the editor. I was shown the door for racism and Inchy was binned for running out of Lidl without paying for a tin of mackerel in a spicy tomato sauce.
So without further ado here’s one he penned earlier, the thieving, fish-guzzling fucker:
WORLD HEALTH ORGANISATION DISCLOSE DETAILS OF NEWLY-DISCOVERED DISEASES
Named Disease: HAJ (Had-a-job) Syndrome
Symptoms: Being made redundant through no fault of your own, suicidal feelings, lack of food, and the disappearance of respect.
Most at Risk: The proletariat, anyone not related to, a banker for, or a friend of a Politician, and the millions of unemployed.
Area’s most affected: UK, USA, Australia, and Turkey.
Symptoms: A snottiness and uncaring attitude develops that cannot be countered. The bank balance and overseas investment accounts increase exponentially.
Most at Risk: Aristocracy, Royalty, Politicians, Footballers, and the Right Honourable William Hague MP (Conservative) First Secretary of State, Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs.
Area’s most affected: All countries not in the East or Middle East.
Named Disease: A.A.D.(Alcoholic Adiction Dysrhythmia)
Symptoms: Finding you have not got any alcoholic addictions, and the concern and worry you get about being so different to everyone else.
Most at Risk: Those under the age of eight.
Area’s most affected: World wide.
Named Disease: Monetary Cystitis
Symptoms: It is extremely painful, nigh on impossible for you to pass on money owed by you.
Most at Risk: Politicians, Dentists, Lawyers, Bankers, Haliburton, and Taxi Drivers.
Area’s most affected: USA and the UK.
Named Disease: Hope Alopecia
Symptoms: A sudden realisation that all hope is lost, other than for the War Mongers, Politicians, bankers, and Haliburton.
Most at Risk: Everyone not connected with the above.
Area’s most affected: USA, UK, and South Upper Mongolia.
Named Disease: Compassion Deficiency Anemia
Symptoms: You couldn’t give a toss about anyone else.
Most at Risk: Most predominant in Senates, Parliament, and Lawyers offices, although likley to be found anywhere.
Area’s most affected: Virtually throughout the world.
Named Disease: Cacospysy (Irregular pulse)
Symptoms: Panic attacks at Government Budget announcement time.
Most at Risk: The poor.
Area’s most affected: Everywhere.
Named Disease: Early Decrepitude disease
Symptoms: Sudden realisation that the poor are getting poorer, and the Rich are getting richer.
Most at Risk: Those who are poor and getting poorer.
Area’s most affected: USA, UK, Sweden, and Italy.
Named Disease: Obsessive-compulsive Politician hating disorder disease
Symptoms: Spitting, swearing, frustration and extreme poverty
Most at Risk: Anyone not related or business partners to politicians, blackmailers, NHS workers, those made redundant, NHS patients, French citizens and Europhiles .
Area’s most affected: UK, Europe.
You should consider suicide, alcoholism, hibernation, or becoming a Politician.