Monthly Archives: June 2014

Letters To LOMM

josef

Dear League Of Mental Men

This Saturday afternoon I’m re-enacting The Battle Of Rorke’s Drift in London’s Hyde Park.

If you’re free between 3.00pm and half past, are of good stout British stock, possess steely resolve and a keenness to slaughter a few Fuzzy Wuzzies, please send a breathless rider on horseback with a bit of blood smeared on his cheek to my London barracks with your inside leg measurement and rifle size and I’ll get you kitted out asap.

People that look like Stanley Baker or know all the words to Men Of Harlech will be particularly welcome.

I’m also looking for direct descendants of the legendary Zulu warrior, Prince Dabulamanzi, to make up an awe inspiring multitude of bloodthirsty natives to stand on a hillside, eclipsing the very sun itself whilst stamping their feet up and down and banging on their shields with an Assegai.

People who look particularly warlike and who can say “OOOOOOOOOOOOO” for a long time will be given preference…….No Blacks!

Yours etc

Maj. Gen. Front-Rank-Fire
Isandlwana
Sussex

Clivey

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Danny Sparko: Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

tough guy

“I know your fucking rights!”

Dear Danny

I recently purchased a nice new cardigan for my husband from Marks & Spencer’s. He’s quite elderly and  is due to go into hospital shortly for a rather serious operation so I thought I’d give him a little treat. However when he tried it on, it was a bit long in the arms so I took it back to exchange it for a smaller size. The staff weren’t at all helpful and when I asked to speak to the manager he told me the garment had been soiled and refused point blank to help.

I wonder if you could help me with this one Danny as we’re both old age pensioners and can ill afford to lose money like this. Thank you ever so much dear.

Dorothy Larkin

Sheffield, Yorks.

******************************

Dear Dorothy

I’ve gone round to the shop and given the first geezer I spotted a right-hander which knocked him spark out. I don’t know if it was Mark or Spencer I straightened but he won’t be giving any more old people a load of  diabolical old toot for quite some time, stand on me love!.

I’ve then spotted his mate hiding behind the counter so I’ve steamed over and shoed the mug right in the kidneys. He’s gone done like a good un so I’ve pulled him to his feet and clumped him round the swede with a couple of  left and right hooks and he’s gone down again like a sack of spuds.

At this point one of the shop girls came over begging me to leave him alone but I’ve told her to leave it out and that it was just between me and him.

Once he was back on the deck again I’ve pulled out me Stanley blade and given him a few stripes across both cheeks to remember me by. At the end of the day Dorothy you can’t let these people ride roughshod over your consumer rights my lovely.

If you get any more grief from these slippery arseoles, or indeed anyone else in the retail trade for that matter, don’t hesitate to get in touch.

All the very best sweetheart

Danny.

Clivey.

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Letters To LOMM

josef

 

Dear League Of Mental Men

American students. Before going to school each morning check out the Facebook accounts of your classmates and if any of them have altered their profile pic to one that depicts them wearing a full length black leather coat whilst wearing a Death’s Head mask and brandishing an assault rifle it might be a good idea to ring the principal’s office and tell them you’re taking a day off sick.

Toby Mintygums

The Bronx

Nigeria

Clivey

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Letters To LOMM

josef

 

Dear League Of Mental Men

It’s exactly five years to the day when my wife passed away and there’s rarely a day goes by when I don’t partially blame myself for her death.

This is because I killed her by beating her repeatedly over the head with an iron bar following an argument about taking the rubbish out.

Arthur Rampton

Broadmoor

Australia

Clivey

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British Squaddie Runs Amok In Government Think Tank

think tank

Graphic by “Mina”

 

A 19 year old British soldier was being held in custody last night amid reports that he stole a government think tank from outside a Ministry Of Defence building before embarking on a trail of destruction across West London, during which the tank’s weaponry was deployed and a number of ridiculous, unworkable ideas were strewn across the streets.

One woman, who was pushing a child in a buggy during the incident, looked visibly shaken as she revealed  “I was just nipping down the shops to get a packet of fags and a loaf when this huge government think tank came hurtling round the corner. It was clearly out of control. People were scattering all over the place, cars were being crushed and everything. I was absolutely terrified I don’t mind telling you. The worst part was when a great shedload  of paper came out of the top bit. Me and little Rhianna were almost drowned in proposed legislation for an extension to The Hangar Flyover.”

Another witness, Dennis Mason 67 from Pimlico, said. “I’ve never seen anything like it to be fair. One minute I was taking a leisurely stroll along The Embankment and the next I’m being blitzed with proposals to opt out of the EU, along with documents outlining proposed legislation to control lap dancing premises. I could quite easily have been killed”.

The man currently being held, Lance Corporal James Blythe of the 2nd Battalion Queens Own Lancers, told arresting officers. “I’m really sorry about all this. I’ve let myself down and worst of all I’ve let the regiment and my mates down. I’d had such a bloody good skinful that I didn’t know if I wanted a shit or a haircut to be honest with you. I just saw the tank parked up with nobody standing guard, so I thought I’d jump in and drive it round to my girlfriend’s house. We’d had a bit of a bust-up earlier on and I thought if I went round to her place in a think tank she might forgive me and let me in for a brew and a bunk up”

Blythe is due to appear at Bow Street magistrate’s court at 11.00pm this morning.

Clivey

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Letters To LOMM

josef

Dear League Of Mental Men

I was just watching a parade of D-Day veterans on the news and I have to say how very proud I am of them all. Quite how such elderly and frail men managed to beat the Germans is beyond me. Half of them could barely walk while a good many must have had to have been pushed off the landing craft in wheelchairs for God’s sake!

Billy Toad

Stepney Green Industrial Estate

Africa.

Clivey

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Germany Prepares To Honour British D-Day Deserters

d day

A band of D-Day deserters help fallen comrades after a good skinful on Southend Beach in 1944

To mark the 70th anniversary of the Normandy D-Day landings a number of British soldiers, who went AWOL shortly before the invasion took place, are to be honoured by the German government today.

Chancellor Angela Merkel will personally meet a number of cowardly milksops at a gala dinner in Berlin this evening.

Speaking to pressmen last night Merkel said:

“It’s thanks to the cowardly, reprehensible actions of men like these that even more of our granddads weren’t shot or blown up on that terrible day. It’s only fitting that we honour them in this way”

One of the conscripts who got the wind up and went home just hours before the operation’s launch, Billy Davenport, 98, from East London, appeared visibly moved as he recounted how he and a couple of mates dived into some bushes as their unit was on its way to the south coast.

“I’ll never forget that day as long as I live. The jeep we were in was driving through a wooded area, so myself and two other lads jumped out and hid behind some trees until the coast was clear. We then found the nearest pub and had a good skinful before we all hopped on a train home. I spent the rest of the war with my feet up listening to news of how our lads were getting on on the radio and dodging the Military Police boys.”

It is understood that following a moving ceremony to honour the men, they will be taken under military escort back to England and shot at dawn.

Clivey

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Letters To LOMM

josef

Dear League Of Mental Men

I strongly urge all members of the British broadcast media to show their complete lack of xenophobia when reporting global disasters, such as earthquakes etc, by not completely ignoring the thousands of dead or badly mangled, no mark foreign fucks lying strewn in the rubble and just emphasising with ill-disguised relief, that no Brits were amongst the casualties, as is they invariably do..

Maisy Syphilis
Reading
Berks

Clivey

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LOMM’s TV Choice #2.5

television

 

Ch5 21.00. Big Brother: Live Launch

A deeply depressing collection of publicity-hungry, frontal lobotomy candidates and borderline prostitutes go into a house where they will be watched by beetle-browed morons in shell suits who would be extremely hard pressed to talk and rub their tummy at the same time.

Warning: This programme may contain fleeting shots of bare arses in the shower belonging to people who should have been drowned in a bucket at birth.

Clivey

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Letters To LOMM

josef

Dear League Of Mental Men

Last week I bought some tablets via the internet that are designed to make men last longer in bed and I cant begin to tell you how delighted I am with them. On Wednesday I didn’t get up till 11.30 and this morning it was well past midday.

Harold Loins
Berwick On Tweed

Clivey

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