Hitler’s Last Day: An Everyday Story Of Defeated, Suicidal Folk

hitler

“Donner und shitzen!”
The Last Day Of Adolf Hitler by Gary Hoadley
 

The Bunker. Berlin 1945.
Hitler is in his war office. The door flies open.
“Fuhrer! The Russians are at the city limits!”
“Tell the toll booths to up the price to ten marks”.
“But Fuhrer, they have tanks and artillery!”
“Put the toll booths up to twenty marks!”
“They are invading!”
“Get down the high street and buy up as much toilet paper as you can”.
“Fuhrer, what about our soldiers?”
“Let them get there own bludy toilet paper!”.
“Sir, may I go now?”
“We haven’t got any toilet paper, are you not listening?”
“No Fuhrer, I mean to organise the troops into a defensive line”.
“Good idea, I don’t want those Russians nicking the toilet paper”.
Eva Braun enters the room;
“Darlinks, you look zo hot unt bothered”.
“Don’t talk to my misses like that! Get out…”
“Sorry my Fuhrer, I forgot myself”.
“He’s a bit forward Addie”.
“How many times have I told you, Eva, not to call me Addie?”
“Oh shut up, no one heard me, what you so grumpy about?”
“Looks like that holiday in the South of France will have to be cancelled”
“Why?”
“They’ve invaded the hotel”.
“The Allied troops?”
“No, bludy cockroaches, I’ve just had Michele on the blower”.
“I always said that place was never cleaned properly”.
“If Rommel had got his finger out, we could have gone on safari in Africa”.
“I’m going shopping”.
“Have you got a tin helmet?”
“No, why?”
“Just asking…”
Eva Braun leaves and Admiral Von Bismark enters;
“My Fuhrer, I have bad news”.
“I had a battle ship named after you, didn’t I?”
“Yes Fuhrer…Eric”.
“No wonder they sunk it, what’s up now?”
“We have no naval power”.
“We’ve lost all our ships?”
“No Fuhrer, they’ve run out of fuel”
“Cant they row?”
“Two hundred ton ships Fuhrer?”
“Cleopatra did it”.
“I will try and see what I can do Fuhrer”.
Bismarck leaves. The phone rings;
“Hello, Hitler speaking…No mate, But thanks for the offer”.
Baron Von Riechthoven enters the room;
“Cheeky sod, Old soppy bollocks from across the water asked me
if I wanted to surrender! Is he having a laugh?”
“Shweine! How dare Churchill insult you like that!”
“Not Churchill, the Mayor of Dorking”.
“Fuhrer, I…”
“I know, you’ve got bad news”.
“No Sir, I’ve got good news!”
“Blimey, what is it?”
“It’s a mild colloquial outburst Sir”.
“What?”
“Blimey Sir”
“No, what is the good news?”
“Oh!…We have aircraft on the ground”
“Shouldn’t they be in the air?”
“Fuhrer?”
“My aircraft, shouldn’t they be in the air?”
“Brilliant idea Fuhrer, I will get to it straight away”.
“For fucks sake…”
“Sir?”
“Nothing”.
Hitler makes his way to the communications office;
“Fuhrer!”
“Sit down soldier, I want you to send a message to Winston Churchill”.
“Sir, what is your message?”
“Ignore last telegram”.
“Sir?”
“That should get him going”.
“Anything else my Fuhrer?”
“Don’t know a good taxi firm do you?”
“Fuhrer?”
“Never mind”.
The Fuhrer now goes to his private rooms;
“Lovely, I will have a kip, then a bit of dinner then…”
A flunky crashes through the door;
“Fuhrer! The Russians are in Berlin”.
“Up the price of the parking meters”.
“But Sir, you must escape”.
“With a face like this? Where do you think I could hide?”
“South America Sir”.
“Don’t like the food”.
“Africa”.
“Too hot”.
“Butlins”.
“Too boring”.
“Mrs Bunions lodging house, Clacton on Sea”.
“That will do, get me a plane”.
“Yes my Fuhrer!”
Colonel Brinthoffen enters the room;
“My Fuhrer, you must not leave without arming yourself”.
“Why?”
“They will try and shoot you!”.
“Why?”
“They think you started the war”.
“Me! I was all for a commune in Bavaria”.
“Here, take my handgun”.
“Thank you”.
“Sir, don’t point it at your head like that”.
“I have had one of these, I do know what I am doi…
Mrs Bunions lodging house. 30 years later;
“It was a close thing Mrs B, the gun went off and nearly done for me”…

Das End!
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11 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire

11 responses to “Hitler’s Last Day: An Everyday Story Of Defeated, Suicidal Folk

  1. ellierayne

    Oh i read abt hitler b4 it was interesting. But your version is much more than that!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. sozsatire

    Great edit!!!!
    Now then, wanna buy and moody shmutter son? Every item a genyoowine load of old toot!

    Like

  3. An everyday story, huh? Who knew?

    Like

  4. I had laugh with this one. Nice.

    Like

  5. I don’t think thut SOZ should take the wee out of my Uncle Adolf’s memory. He wus a much misunderstood bloke yer know!
    Only joking.

    Like

    • leagueofmentalmen

      Inchy!!! hahaha
      How the hell are you, you old rascal? 😀

      This is Clivey btw. The ugly one with the funny ‘at. 🙂

      Like

  6. I might have enjoyed history class more in school if Gary had been my teacher! Excellent lesson! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ach! Gott in himmel – ist nein but das grossen packendiefuckenporkies!

    Are you absolutely sure it was like that, Gary? It’s just that my Uncle Adolf and Auntie Eva have heard a different version. From old friends, you understand – not first hand experience.

    Like

PLEASE BE GENTLE. WE SATIRISTS CAN DISH IT OUT BUT WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

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