LOMM’s Heavily Edited Classics In Cockney: Great Expectations


“‘ere! Have a decko at this one people. You’ll absolutely lap it up, trust me”


Pip. Blimey wot a blindin’ day! I reckon I’ll go for a quick ball of chalk on the old marshes.

Magwitch. Go and half inch me a pork pie from your gaff or I’ll give you a slap and hoover up your heart and liver with onion gravy you little cow’s son!

Pip. Stroll on! That Estella’s a tidy looking sort and no error. I wouldn’t half like to give her the good news! Know what I’m saying?

Jaggers. You’ve ‘ad a nice little result Pip my son. Some geezer, who shall remain nameless, is going to give you a monkey every year for the foreseeable so you can dive up to the smoke and become a toff.

Pip. 500 notes a year! Gawd blimey sheriff! What a touch!

Mr Pocket. I’ll tell you what Pip me old china plate, this hedonistic lifestyle is as sweet as a nut my son. Fancy another pint and a slap up nosebag down the pie and mash?

Magwitch. It was me what gave you the Bugs Bunny Pip my son. I made a few quid Down Under and thought I’d use the bunce to get you all sorted and that. Mind you Old Bill’s after me so I’d better have it on me toes a bit lively or I’ll get me collar felt.

Miss Faversham. Has anyone seen my fucking lighter?

Pip. Estella! Blimey gel, I never thought I’d ever clap me minces on you again sweedart!

Estella. Alright geezer? Fancy taking me up west for a bit of a knees up and a few sharpeners in one of them fancy drinkers? I’ll let you cop a feel of me threepenny bits in the horse and carriage if you do.

Pip. Sweet as a nut Treacle! I’ll go and put some decent shmutter on, only I look a right Berkeley Hunt in this dopey cap and these diabolical baggy strides and no fucking error.

The End



Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire, Spoof

4 responses to “LOMM’s Heavily Edited Classics In Cockney: Great Expectations

  1. Gawd luvvus, you’re a bit of a twat, aintcher?

    Takin’ the piss outta my Charlie’s best stuff like that. I’ve half a mind to give your Oliver a Twist, an’ no bleedin’ mistake.

    Yours sincerely,

    Edna Dickens (Mrs.)


  2. Sheffield? Bloody Sheffield?!

    Not only is it one o’them dreaded Yorkist places ,(Yorkshire – county motto “Titus Aduxarse”) , but it’s virtually down south.

    Personally, I’m looking forward to the opening of this……


    • Now then owr Nobbly. Don’t tek on so lad. You’ll give thee sen a bluddy coronary before days out! Bah eck I’ll swear tha will! 😦

      I quite like The Daily Mash btw and I don’t usually like anything 🙂



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