Situations Vacant: Senior Vagrant Required


A number of hopefuls pictured last night waiting nervously for interview.

A park bench in Shoreditch, East London, has an exciting opening for an experienced gentleman of the road with at least 5 years experience of drunkenness and anti social behaviour under his belt made from a piece of string

The purple faced stumblebum we seek should be able to display good muttering skills and be prepared to spend a good percentage of his/her time shouting at traffic or lying comatose in their own piss.

A good working knowledge of staggering through shopping malls with a dog on a bit of string will also be looked on favourably as will the ability to start fights with yourself in a public library or a telephone box.

The successful applicant will be expected to supply their own ill fitting fetid trousers and battered, sick encrusted trilby, but a pair of old boots with no laces in will be provided and may be collected from one of the dustbins round the back of the shopping precinct.

DO YOU have a proven track record of shouting aggressively in the faces of passers by?

CAN YOU push a pram containing all your worldly possessions packed into plastic bags and operate a radio with no front on?

ARE YOU a proven drink addled wreck with a long history of soiling yourself in underpasses and sleeping on the London underground?

CAN YOU boast years of chronic liver disease?

If you can answer “Yesh yer fuckin’ bashtas yersh! Fuuuuuuuck!” to all of the above criteria then stagger into Shoreditch Town Hall reeking of stale piss and collapse over the desk of the bloke on security. Then simply ask for a form to shove up the back of your jumper to keep your kidneys warm without delay.

No down and out journalists or disgraced MPs.




Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire

11 responses to “Situations Vacant: Senior Vagrant Required

  1. sozsatire

    Who f*****g writes this old toot anyway?…ah 😦
    *stumbles from reply box*


  2. Why no down and out journalists? They need work, too. And they need to keep their kidneys warm.


  3. alienorajt

    Bloody brilliant! Love it! :Laughed so much I nearly fell out of the trolley…


  4. I’m in!

    What a jolly good wheeze; it sounds right up the old street, what?

    Being new to this ‘job’ mallarkey, could you please explain where one is to send one’s cv and the obligatory brown envelope?


    Yours in conservatism,

    Boris Johnson.


    • Ah Boris, the very man! I stole one of your bikes from Bayswater Road yesterday and I wont be giving it back until you’ve abolished my council tax. I don’t care about everybody else’s. Just mine!

      Yours in lawless desperation



      • You cad, sir – hand it back this instant!

        It is the duty of all one’s subjects proud citizens to stump up their fair share in order that the city can function and to ensure that bubbly and cucumber sandwiches are available at council meetings.

        Did not Saint Margaret say, “Right you lot! Now that we’ve got the plebs off paying rates, and onto the hated poll tax, we can come out of this as heroes by abolishing it and replacing it with a more expensive version of rates. We’re quids in ! Dennis, open another bottle or six!”?


      • Speaking of whom, you don’t see her around quite so much these days do you? There was a time when one could hardly switch on one’s television equipment without seeing The Iron Lady ordering miners to be trampled underfoot by police horses or sinking ships, manned by the accursed Argie. I hope she’s ok 😦



  5. Margaret is fine.

    Why, I saw her only the other evening – leaving the castle as darkness fell, she stretched her wings in the cool evening air, and flew off in search of a healthy peasant for a little pre-dinner drink.



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