Stalag Blues: A Ripping Yarn Of British WWII Incompetence by Wing Commander Gary Hoadley (retd hurt)

.stalag
British POWs seen relaxing after a gruelling session of tea drinking and hearty banter.
Stalag Luft 20 1945. A number of captured British airmen are deep in conversation.

“Look Bottom, there have been seven attempts at escape and all have failed”.
“I know Sir, but there were certain extenuating circumstances”.
“Such as?”
“They got caught Sir”.

Wing Commander Lampton paced the hut floor, as officer commanding, it 
Was his job to ensure every man did his duty by escaping from the Germans.
His number two, Captain Bottom DSO had been appointed escape coordinator.

“The thing is Sir, we suspect there is an informant”. said Bottom.
“A Hun nose poker inner?” replied Lampton.
“The very same Sir They seem to know our every move”.
“Who do we suspect?”
“It’s definitely the Germans Sir”.
“No, I mean the nosey parker”.
“Oh, I think it may be Gunner Fritz”.
“Why?”
“Just an notion Sir”.

In hut 55 Lieutenant Hinge is discussing tunnels.

“So, we have a tunnel under the bathhouse”.
“Yes”
“A tunnel under the washhouse”.
“Yes”
“And the third tunnel is?”
“Under the shi…”
“I get the picture Adams”
“Sir”.

Meanwhile, over in the camp commanders office….

“Oberst Ruben! We have found another tunnel”.
“Oye!, I should end up running a POW camp?”
“It is under the chapel”.
“Are you sure it is not mice?”
“No mien Oberst, it is the Englanders”.
“You SS are so suspicious”.
“Were you born in Germany Oberst?”
“Yes”
“Which part?”
“…All of me…”.

Tunnel “Noddy” was being constructed from hut 79 to the north wall.

“Gad I hate being down these tunnels” Stated Airman Rogers.
“Me too, plays havoc with my nails” Replied Gunner Jenkins.
“The heat, the dirt…”
“The chaffing”.
“Quite, and the lack of sun and air makes a man…”.
“Want to wash his hair”.
“I say Jenkins, are you a tad light footed?”
“Well, I did audition for the Mrs Fountain dance Troupe”.
“I thought as much, would you like to go in front?”
“Saucy”.

Wing Commander Lampton calls for an escape committee meeting.

“Now then cheps, I’m going to hand you over to Bumper Burtles for a 
Run down of what has and is happening with regard to our escape”.
“Thanks awfully Sir, right…Duncan and Smidgen got caught awf the 
boundary for a duck, and ended up with a short wicket. 
Patterson, Simons and Edgley coped a Yorker at mid awf.
Cleverly and Porter were goose over stump for a six and are now in clink.
Rogers is bedding with Jenkins in Neddy, and should be ready by tea time.
Hut 57 is pushing for a touch down porter side, while myself and Timms
have been smudging Jerry passes for the leaving party next week”.
“Thank you, Bumper, any questions men?”
“Has anyone actually escaped Sir?”
“Bumper?”
“Let me check my file Sir… Erm…No”.
“There you are Cromer, not one escape”.
“Thank you Sir”.
“Anyone else?”
“Are we completely wasting our time Sir?”
“Absolutely Fredrick’s, but don’t tell the Harry Hun”.

GH (Skilfully, albeit heartlessly, edited by Clivey Dee)

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5 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Spoof

5 responses to “Stalag Blues: A Ripping Yarn Of British WWII Incompetence by Wing Commander Gary Hoadley (retd hurt)

  1. Oh, this is priceless! Very nicely done, sir! I wager the soccer yobs went wankers over this bally show, but sod ’em hey?

    Like

  2. Greetings from the professor!

    Like

  3. Reblogged this on The Village Wordsmithy and commented:
    File This under …I Wish I Had Written It!

    Like

PLEASE BE GENTLE. WE SATIRISTS CAN DISH IT OUT BUT WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

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