Letters To LOMM


Dear League Of Mental Men

I’ve managed to fool my next door neighbours into thinking I’m a crazed psychotic killer by smashing my way into their home with an axe in the early hours of the morning and then slaughtering them all in their beds.

The gullible fools don’t suspect a thing.

Marvin Shoehorn




Filed under Humor, Humour

22 responses to “Letters To LOMM

  1. Were you dropped on your head as a baby, you crazy young fool?

    Liked by 1 person

    • My parents couldn’t afford a head for me when I was a baby. They stuck a balloon on my shoulders and painted a face on it with crayons 😦

      Liked by 2 people

      • Well your parents must have been true artists looking at your photos, CD….schooled by Picasso by any chance? πŸ˜›

        Only kidding, I’ve seen Rankin’ Papa Dee and he’s definitely eye candy!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Rankin’ Papa Dee ‘im say:

        Lawd Jesus sistah Touch! Nah diss me bloodclaat in me own yard me yoot! Me is as pretty a ting as you could ever see in da streets of Trench Town you know?
        Kiss me up and call me “bredrin” you sweet ickle ting πŸ™‚

        Roots! x


        Liked by 1 person

      • Laughing here! You do that so well……would be better still, if there was the visual stimuli to go with it. πŸ˜€

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oi! Don’t talk to Touch like that your post colonial mug! I’ve a good mind to take you out onto the cobbles for a straightener my son!
        Rankin’ Papa Doughnut more like! Gertcha!
        Are you alright princess? *puckers up hopefully and adjusts shining armour*

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m not quite sure what he said to me Danny, but I think he might have been taking liberties! Go bosh him for me! Besides it’ll make a change for you to get your weapon out somewhere other than aisle 12 in the local superstore! πŸ˜€

        Liked by 1 person

      • sozsatire

        Don’t listen to either of em sweetheart. These two geezers are well known gigolos and liberty taking arseholes of the very highest order. They use their stunning good looks and massive nobs to beguile, bewitch and bamboozle the tidy sorts (such as yourself) to part with their virtue and then ultimately their money!
        My intentions however are wholly altruistic and noble.
        By the way I don’t suppose you could lend me 200 sovs and send me a couple of smudges of yourself in the nuddy could yers?

        Liked by 2 people

      • Three of you? Oh my goodness! I don’t think I can decide without a rigorous interview and months, maybe even years of intensive study and testing.

        As for the other couple of requests…….the cheque is in the post and the naked pics should be in your inbox by now.

        PS: Wasn’t I the cutest baby you ever did see? Cheeks you can’t help but want to squeeze! πŸ˜›

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks for the baby pics Touch. Wasn’t really the kinda rug I had in mind though 😦
        Still I’m prepared to make the best of a bad job. *lights pipe and crooks index finger* COOCHY COOCHY COO. WHO’S A WUFFLY ICKLE SNUGGLEPOPZZZ DEN?


  2. Dear Mr. Shoehorn,
    Please stop smashing the bloody doors! That’s the third complaint we’ve had this week for property damage to the doors on your street. It really make the whole neighborhood look bad and the property values are declining. In the future, use windows.
    Audrey Teakettle, Neighborhood Watch Group Leader


    • Hey don’t reproach me for smashing doors! You need to direct your ire at a certain Mr Pistorius. Property values in his neighbourhood are in the toilet!…so to speak 😦


      • Listen, Shoehorn! Enough with the axe! Or next time you step outside, you shall find a flaming bag of poo on your stoop! And while you’re at it, stop with the plaid pants and the feathered hats! Plumes are for ladies and they just make you look weird! The neighbors are talking!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Just outa curiosity WHY would you want them to think – it just seems an odd way to discourage nosy neighbors.


    • I actually thought I let them off fairly lightly Jenni. I killed and ate the family on the other side in an effort to convince them that I was an Anthony Hopkins fan!



      • Ha!! Hey true story;
        Anthony Hopkins had never actually seen Silence of the Lambs once it was cut and at the movies so one day when he was in some city [don’t know which] he popped into a theater where it was showing.

        When it got to the part where he was talking about eating the liver of the census taker the guy next to him jumped a bit so he leaned over and said – Oh that turned out well didn’t it. Well the poor guy screamed and ran out of the theater. [as would I]

        Anthony Hopkins was telling this on some interview a while back and I just laughed myself silly – poor man must have been scared stiff to find himself sitting next to Hannibal Lector.


      • I should imagine the fear the poor chap felt could only be equalled if were he being knighted by The Queen whilst trying to stifle a particularly explosive fart.

        Nice anecdote πŸ™‚




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