LOMM’s Heavily Edited Easter Epics In Cockney: Ben Hur


pearly-kings

Benny gives Jesus a luvlee cup o’ splosh just before them Roman bleeders nail the poor cow’s son up for the night

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Judea AD26

Benny Boy – Blimey Messala I love knocking about with you old son. You’re me best china plate and no error!

Messala – Oi! Did you just bung a roof tile at my Uncle Ned you mug? You’re going down for that squire!

10 Years Later

Benny Boy – Gawd strewth! This old galley slave game’s absolutely diabolical! I wish some Thracian pirates, or some fuckers like that, would attack our boat so I could get up on me toes and save Jack Hawkins from drowning.

Quintus Arrias (Jack Hawkins) – Blimey what a result! Thank gawd you was on the scene Benny boy! I thought I was brown bread back there son! Come back to my gaff and I’ll adopt you as me boy. I’ll make sure you get kitted out in some top of the bastard range shmutter. I’ll even sort you out with a tidy little piece of blart  if you play yer cards right. Know what I mean geezer?

A Couple Of Years Later

Benny Boy – Stroll on Sheik! I don’t fink I’ve ever seen a more blindin’ bunch of donkeys in all my natural! Any danger of takin’ em for a spin round the old arena and that?

Sheik Ilderim – Yeah fuck it, go on then sheriff. Tell you what geezer, I’ll stick a few sovs on yers to win and we’ll tuck up that flash monkey Massala while we’re about it.

Benny Boy – Sweet as squire! Could end up as a tidy little earner for the pair of us, know wot I mean guvnor?

A Week Later And A Few Laps Into The Race

Benny Boy – Fuck’s sake! That liberty taking toerag Massala keeps stripin’ me ‘arris with his bleedin’ whip! With a bit of luck he’ll take his eye off the ball and end up getting run over by one of these other mugs.

Massala – Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Benny Boy – Back of the fucking net!

A Few Years Later, Back At Benny’s Drum

Benny Boy – Ullo mum! Ullo sis! Blimey you’re looking well! The last time I clocked the pair of yers you were in shit state! You had boils all over yer boats and gawd knows what fucking else! This has gotta be darn to that Jesus geezer. What a toff! I’m gonna stop bein’ a right lairy bleeder and follow in ‘is footsteps and that!

Mum –  You know it makes sense Treacle. Now give yer old mum a kiss fer gawd’s sake yer soppy little toerag!

The End.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire You know it makes sense squire x

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6 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire

6 responses to “LOMM’s Heavily Edited Easter Epics In Cockney: Ben Hur

  1. garyhoadley

    Had me creased up, as usual!. I’m so glad he has stopped taking the pills.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. And this was on my list of ‘must see classic films’. Thank you! You’ve just saved a couple of hours of my life. Very funny, if a little sweary for my mums taste. She said you all use bad language too much! Lol

    Goodnight League of Mental Men. I look forward to the mornings offerings.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your lovely old mum is spot on the money princess. Good comedy, particularly satire, is all the better for a lack of profanity. You’ve only got to look at tragic cases like Roy Chubby Brown and Jim “Nick Nick” Davidson to see that.
      I used a scattering of norty words in the skit to illustrate the wretched way we cockneys conduct ourselves in polite society. Myself excluded of course!
      *lights pipe and hits thumb with hammer* “Oh deary me! What a nuisance!” 😛

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m just amazed she’s been able to find SOZ or this place. She normally has all on trying to find the ‘on’ switch on her little Galaxy tablet.

        If you’re reading this mamma, he made me say it! *Points at CD* 😛

        Like

PLEASE BE GENTLE. WE SATIRISTS CAN DISH IT OUT BUT WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

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