A Not-So Civil War: Cromwellian Comic Capers by Big Gaz

 cromwell
“I’m most terribly sorry, I didn’t quite catch that”
The English Civil War
 
The Battle of Naseby June 14 1645.  A decisive punch-up between the Royalists and Cromwell’s New Modern Army
 
 The Royalists prepare for battle.
 
 .

Higgins. Make ready the scout” orders Sir Francis Ruce

“Bit early for dinner Sir”.
“What do you mean Higgins?” Said an irritated Ruce.
“Trout Sir, bit early for Trout”.
“Scout you idiot!”
“Right ho Sir”.

The Royalist scouts went in search of the Parliamentarians. The morning
Fog had not lifted which prevented a clear view from Little Oxenden.

What did you see Higgins?” Asked Sir Francis.
“Nothing Sir the fog was too thick”.
“Why didn’t you go through the fog!”
“Already been Sir”.
“Where?”
“The bog Sir”.
“Do you do this on purpose Higgins?”
“What Sir?”
“Pretend to be deaf”.
“Pardon Sir?”
“Deaf! Man deaf!”
“Are you Sir?”
“Not me! You!”
“It’s the wife Sir”.
“What’s it got to do with her?”
“She keeps shouting in me ear Sir”.
“Why?”
“Says I is deaf Sir”.
“Aaaaarrrrgghhh!”.
Sir Francis asked Higgins to ride to Prince Maurice and order him to 
form a line of cavalry for the attack…

“Sir! A message from Sir Francis”
“What is it?”
“Find some caviar and bring it back”.
“Are you sure Higgins?”
“Yes Sir”.
“Where would I find caviar in a place like this?”
“Mrs Fumble Sire”.
“Is she the local fishmonger?”
“No, she’s the local painter and decorator”.
“Then why would she have caviar?”
“She wouldn’t Sir”.
“Why mention her?”
“Cos she’s married to the fishmonger”.
“So why not just say Mr Fumble?”
“Cos it aint his shop”.
“Who’s shop is it then?”
“Mrs Fumbles”.
“So what’s the difference?”
“Don’t know Sir”.
Prince Maurice and his men made there way to the village of Sulby.
On the way, they became lost. Luckily they happened upon a local yokel.

“Excuse me my good man, I am Prince Maurice and I am lost”.
“Arr”.
“Could you give us direction to Sulby?”
“Arr”
Silence:
“Well?”
“Well wot?”
“Can you give direction?”
“Oye could”.
“Will you give us direction to Sulby?”
“Yes oye will”.
“Right”.
“Yew goes a mile, on yourn left, until there be a tree”.
“Yes?”
“Yew wont be wantin thet tree”.
“Okay”.
“Then, another mile thar be another tree”.
“Yes”
“You don’t be wantin thet tree neither”.
*Sigh*
“After thet tree, thar be another tree”.
“Let me guess, we don’t want that tree”.
“Nay Sire! You do wan thet tree”.
“Is this going to take long?”
“Wot?”
“Your directions”.
“Nay, don’t turn right at thet tree”.
“Why?”
“Cos you be goin the wrong way”.
“So we turn left?”
“Right”.
Prince Maurice rode on. Meanwhile back a Naseby………..
“Ah, you are back Higgins, did you give my message?”
“Beg pardon Sir”
“Did you message Prince Maurice?”
“He didn’t want one Sir”.
“What?”
“A massage Sir”.
“The message Higgins!”
“Oh, I gave him that Sir”.
“What was his reply?”
“Said he will try to iron his vest Sir”.
“Iron his vest?”
“Yes Sir”.
“I don’t think we stand a chance”.
“At what Sir?”
“Pardon?”
“Have a glance at what Sir”.
“Never mind Higgins, lets go home…….
The rest, as they say, is history
GH
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10 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire

10 responses to “A Not-So Civil War: Cromwellian Comic Capers by Big Gaz

  1. Having lived slightly west of Tamar for a number of years I must say your yokel was as authentic in accent and deed as many from those parts – then and now. Spot on Ronaldo Sir.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Reblogged this on mikesteeden and commented:
    On a day when we’ve been at the zoo with little Max out grandson and have returned home well and truly shagged what better then a post by my colleague in crime, none other than Mr, some say Squire of Hayling Island, Gray ‘Ronaldo’ Hoadley the Enforcer of The League of Mental Men with whom I like to think I;m merely the third musketeer. I shall – an impromptu death aside – return fully refreshed in the AM!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. chinahand11

    Oh such a funny post, nice to know you have a few bumpkins over there, we have hillbillies and rednecks.

    Like

  4. Not to split hairs, but if the fog was that thick, his iron would have rusted. 😉

    Like

  5. Cromwell could have it no better than this

    Like

PLEASE BE GENTLE. WE SATIRISTS CAN DISH IT OUT BUT WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

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