Soz Satire Xmas issue, complete with a mysterious rash, pictured infecting millions last night.
The British Medical Association are claiming that the recent alarming rise in sexually transmitted diseases across the country is entirely due to the launch of the bumper April edition of Soz Satire magazine which came out earlier this month.
A spokesperson for the genito-urinary clinic at The Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel, East London, told us.
“We used to be able to take it easy at work until Soz launched their bumper April edition, now we’re going at it like one-armed paper hangers. I’ve not even had a chance to take the old woman food shopping at Tescos, and it’s all down to those bastards!”
We spoke to a random selection of sufferers last night and we print their testimonials below:
“I’d never had an STD in my life until the new Soz came out and now I’m absolutely riddled with Chlamydia” – The Archbishop Of Canterbury
“I read the bumper April edition in bed with my wife and we both instantly contracted syphilis” – Clare Balding
“I haven’t read it yet so I’m absolutely fine thus far. I do have a great big face though” – Olly Murs
“Holy Gonorrhoea Batman! I’ve got a dose of the clap like you wouldn’t believe! It has to be down to those arch fiends at Soz Satire!” – Robin
“Steady old chum. You’ll upset Chief O Hara’s good lady wife who went down with a bad case of genital warts and thrush in the post office” – Batman
“Unh! Unh! Unh! Unh! Embarassing itching. Them hurt Hulk!” – The Incredible Hulk.
We contacted the magazine’s editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee, 21, last night who told us.
“I’ve never heard such a load of old toot in my life! I’ve slept with at least 20 low class hookers in the last 5 days and I haven’t so much as experienced a slight reddening of my penis!.
“Apart from a deep burning sensation in my urethra when I pass water I’m as right as ninepence. This is purely scare-mongering tactics from the lads at Private Eye and The Onion who are shit scared we’re going to nick all their advertising. Now sod off!”
Soz Satire’s bumper April edition is now available on all half decent PCs and laptops, and comes with a full endorsement from The Somali Home Doctor magazine along with a week’s supply of powerful antibiotics.
Oh and and here’s the link http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire
Might be an idea to stick a rubber johnny on before entering though, and that goes for you too ladies. For a full resume of back issues, complete with libellous and deeply hurtful content, check out our brilliantly put together “Our Mag” section at the top of this page.
Please practice safe reading.