Sir Francis Drake. The Truth At Last!


“Sod the bowls, anyone fancy a game of snooker?”



On board the Golden Hind.
Drake is in his quarters.

“Pike! What is our position?”
“Desperate Sir”
“How so?”
“No more toilet paper Sir”.
“Oh my god! Turn back”
“From where Sir”
“Wherever we are”.
“Plymouth Sir”.
“Can’t someone go and buy some?”
“Sunday closing Sir”.
“When do we get underway Pike?”
“As soon as your wife lets go of the rope”.

The Hind moves slowly from it’s mooring.
Sails ripple into life. Vomiting from the
main deck echoed across the silent waters…

“Are you okay Mr Drake Sir?”
“Yes, I always get nervous before a voyage”.
“Shall I fetch you a change of pantaloons Sir”
“I think that would be wise Pike”.

On the poop deck, Drake takes command of his ship.

“Sail Nor by Nor West Mr Evans”.
“Aye Sir”.
“Pike, hoist the main sail”.
“On me own?”
“Where’s the crew?”
“Day off Sir”.
“On a Monday!?”
“Its Sunday Sir”.
“Fucks sake, okay, swab the decks”.
“I’m an officer Sir”.
“Look at the map?”
“Aye Sir”.

Drake raises his telescope to scan the horizon.

“My god! It’s land”
“Already Sir?”
“What do you mean already?”
“We’ve been sailing for two hours Sir”.
“That long eh, gad the men must be tired”.
“They are asleep Sir”.
“What time is it?”
“Two past the mizzen mast Sir”
“The mizzen mast Sir”
“What time in English Pike”.
“Ten past midnight Sir”.
“How do you tell the time like that?”
“Hang me watch on the mizzen Sir”.

The sun rises over the yardarms.
Drake is woken from his dreams.

“Sir! Morning is nigh”.
“Oh, sorry Sir, I will wait outside”.
“I was just checking for lumps Pike”
“My dad went blind doing that”.
“I was just checking”.
“Aye Sir”.
“Your father was a sailor Pike”
“Yes Sir, a Whaler”.
“Wow, I bet he was a real sea dog”.
“Aye Sir, I remember his last words”.
“Which were?”

An opalescent sky gives way to the sun.
Drake comes on deck dressed in his refinery.

“Get the madam!”. Quips a sailor.

“ Pike”.
“Aye Sir”.
“Are we in the doldrums?”
“No Sir”.
“Why are we not moving?”
“We have run aground Sir”.
“On the sea floor Sir”.
“Who was on watch last night?”
“Blind Pew Sir”.
“Why do they call him blind Pew?”


“Where are we then?”
“Isle of Wight Sir”.
“How do you know?”
“My auntie was waving from her house in Cowes”.
“Fuck sake, what am I to tell the Queen? She thinks
we are half way round the world by now?”
“Well Sir, my uncle breeds three legged chickens”.
“We could take a few back to the main land and say they
Are a speciality from a far off foreign land”.
“You are a fuckin saint Pike and no mistake”.
“Thank you Sir”.
“What do they taste like, these three legged chickens?”
“No one really knows Sir”.
“Can’t catch the fuckers”.

A boat was sent ashore to fetch the chickens.
Drake waited out the summer stranded on the Isle of Wight.
Soon, the winter tides lifted the ship, and they sailed for home.
The Hind came alongside in Plymouth. Hoards of people were
there to great her return and to hail the great Sir Francis Drake.

“Wait till she sees his giblets love”. Said a sailor.

Unfortunately for Drake, the Queen did not believe his story.
He was sent to the Tower of London to await execution.
When questioned about his sudden wealth and titles.
Captain Pike swore he was not a grass.

The End

Dedicated to my good friends
Clive Danton
Mike Steeden
Shirley Blamey

By Mr Midshitman Gary “I’m anybody’s for a tot of rum” Hoadley

Did you enjoy that?…No? Well try this mag then. It’s similar but there’s some music in it. Miserable sods!



Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire, Soz Satire Magazine, Spoof, The League Of Mental Men

2 responses to “Sir Francis Drake. The Truth At Last!

  1. Kavalkade Krew




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