Trooble On T’Poop Deck

carry on jack



The Battle of Trafalgar
Abridged by Gary Hoadley.

Edited by Clive Danton.

Sabotaged by Mike Steeden.

Moaned at by Shirley Blamey.

21st October 1805.

Onboard HMS Victory
West of Cape Trafalgar.

“Oh I don’t like the look of that Norm”.

“What love?”

“That big thing on the horizon”.

“Ooh, it’s a Spanish ship”.

“Saucy sods, sailing along bold as brass!”.

“Shall I tell the Coxswain?”

“She’s probably doing her laundry”.

Despite the advice, ordinary Seaman Clerk
Went to report the sighting of the Ship.

“Are you sure it was a Spanish Ship?”
“Yes! It had that thing on the flag”.


“I’m telling the truth!”

“No, was it a bull?”

“Yes, horns and all”.

“Right, back to your post”.

“Yes Coxswain”.

The Coxswain went to the watch officer.

“Sir, Spanish ship sighted off port side”.
“Is it alone?”

“No, its Spanish Sir”.

“I will inform the Admiral”.

“Aye Sir”.

Captain Lucas alerted Admiral Nelson.

“Was it alone?”

“No my Lord, Spanish”.

“So, they attack at last”.

“With what My Lord?”


“Fill up the glass”.

“Attack at last Lucas!”.

“Yes my Lord”.

“Who shall I attack?”

“The Spanish you fool!”

“On me own Sir?”

“No, make ready the guns”.

“Can’t see anything Sir”.


“Your bleeding gums”.

“Man the guns and prepare for battle!”.

“Aye my Lord!”

Nelsons HMS Victory made ready for battle.
With him, 27 ships of the line followed Nelson

Into battle. They were outnumbered by the French

And Spanish fleets. It did not stop Nelson.

Nelson stood on the poop deck. Giving orders.

“Lucas, send up the flag!”
“Would you like bread with it Sir?”


“The crab Sir”.

“Flag Lucas!…Flag!”.

“Aye My Lord”.

“Send a message to the line”


“England expects you to win”.

“England expects you to swim?”

“No Lucas!…Win!”

“Bit short it is my Lord”.

“Get Hardy for me”.

“Aye Sir”

Hardy comes onto the poop deck.

“What you will My Lord?”
“What do you reckon of this rouser?”

“Bit short Sir”.

“Okay, how about…England expects a bit more”.

“Bit more of what My Lord”.

“I don’t fuckin know! Help me out Hardy”.

“Erm…England expects a bit of a fight”.

“Beg pardon Sirs, we are fighting”.

“Be quiet Lucas I’m trying to think”.

“I don’t we are Sir”.


“Starting to sink”.

“For god and country Lucas! Are you deaf?”

“It’s my hat Sir”.

“Your hat?!”

“Keeps falling over me ears Sir”.

“I have it my Lord!”

“Have what Hardy?”

“The signal”.

“Go on”.

“England expects that every man will do his duty”.

“Fucking brilliant Hardy! Get it sent”.

“Yes my Lord”.

“Captain Lucas, send this message down the line”.

“Aye Sir”.

“Make sure the flags are pressed and clean”.

“Aye Sir”.

Aboard HMS Pickle Captain Baker raised his telescope.

“That’s odd”.
“What Sir?”

“Message from Admiral Nelson”.

“Saying what Sir?”

“England expects that every man will do his laundry”.

“He is eccentric Sir”.

The rest, as they say, is history…

By Gary “The Sailor’s Friend” Hoadley



Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire, Spoof

6 responses to “Trooble On T’Poop Deck

  1. I suspect being a Sailors Friend scores over being a Fisherman’s Friend?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Very entertaining . Great dialogue ! Mike

    Looking forward to the next episode !



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